Postpartum Depression
Someone asked me the other day, “How are you doing as a new mommy?” Hesitant to respond quickly, my mind began to play a quick traumatic scene. Like a dream, visions of myself hit by a big rig filled my mind. It’s almost as if I somehow survived this hit and woke up clueless in the hospital with no memory of what all happened to me. I don’t even ask myself, “Am I ok?” I know i’m not. The days keep going and I haven’t had time to catch up. I feel lost. I look around and it seems like everyone around you has it all together, so I smile the fakest smile and say, “It’s amazing, I love it.” And I do, trust me, motherhood is beautiful and I can’t imagine my life without my baby now. Can it also be true that it has caused me to lose parts of myself, my mind, and my sanity? Is this a safe place to say that I don’t love those parts of this journey? My energy doesn’t lie and I know that others can feel it’s not the full truth when I say I am doing ‘good,’ But the biggest struggle with postpartum, is that folks don’t always push beyond the basics to check in on you. That’s why its lonely and causes mothers to be convinced that it has to remain this way. In this blog, we will engage in reflective discussions about Healing Ourselves Heals Our Hoods Podcast specifically episode 13 with Becca Ferguson.
Becca is a mother of a five year old who advocates the reality of overcoming postpartum depression (PPD). When given the opportunity to share her experience with PPD, Becca shares that she struggled to connect with her baby girl for about two years. She expresses the difficulty managing her depression came as a result of still mourning the loss of her first baby after a miscarriage. A mother mourning the loss of her baby while also celebrating the birth of her daughter is a hard place to be. During her pregnancy, she describes feeling disconnected. Not emotionally in a space to take all the pregnancy photos, and celebrate in the ways we see on social media today. As she continues sharing, it is expressed that she then reached a point in life where she was convinced that her daughter would be better off without her. She recalls being in a room looking in the mirror while feeding her daughter, that this was her reality. How can she be the best mother for her daughter when she feels like she is failing? With thoughts and a plan for suicide, Becca was so close to leaving her life and family behind. In that same night, after her close attempt, she explains how she was able to convince herself to hang in longer. She shares, “Looking at my daughter now, I am so intentional in my parenting because I know how close it was to not have that.”
How many mothers can relate to this? Can you relate to convincing yourself that life for your kids is better off without you? Becca’s experience was a personal reminder of when I walked in on my mother who was also in that familiar place as Becca. A place of being overwhelmed and feeling like you are constantly drowning.; wanting to give up. It’s such a heavy feeling to carry. We validate those feelings. We validate those thoughts. What we feel in those moments are real and deserves some advocacy. What is admired in Becca’s story, is her strength and courage to share this with the world what so many mothers are silently struggling through. Some are openly drowning and we wonder, can anyone see us? Does this get better? According to Becca, deciding to stay and chose life and to be present for her daughter, has brought her the most joy now. She admits, “I am obsessed with her [daughter]now, she is my mini me.” Illuminating that motherhood is often hard on our own mental health, shines light to the reality that our kids are our everything. Becca closes with sharing that showing up for yourself is so important. “Even if it's one thing for yourself, do it. Trust you will feel better. She describes, “It is okay to be an individual and a mom.” finding ourself after having a baby or mourning through a miscarriage is critical in our ability to feel connected to ourselves and others around us.
Postpartum depression attempts to convince mothers that they aren’t good enough or that they aren’t doing enough and this blog is to remind mothers, that we don’t have to be perfect, we just have to be present for our kids. May our negative thoughts be canceled and may we speak more life into ourselves every single day as we grow alongside of our babies. Much light, love, and hUgs to all mamas battling with PPD.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with PPD, or suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help, you are not alone in this experience.